3L Busted in Internet Porn Case
Campus security announced today that 3L Alphonse P. T. Beauregard had been caught in a library carrel accessing pornography over the internet.  Like an increasing number of students, Beauregard had been accessing a site filled with explicit photos and lurid descriptions of big firm associate life  -- so called 'Job Porn.'
Chester Fleacatcher, of the Muskrat Police, described the incident.  'Another student saw him, sitting in carrel 2C31, wearing nothing but a three-piece suit.  They were concerned when they heard him moaning 'bring on the bucks,' and then they realized he was actually touching up his own resume - in a public place.  They immediately fled and called us.  We found Mr. Beauregard slumped in his chair, apparently exhausted from touting himself.  It was awful.  The keyboard was sticky with greed.  They had to steam-clean the whole area.'
Alexan Saxe-Coburg, of the North Carolina Center for Deviant and Imaginary Disorders, says that Job Porn is a growing problem.  'Behavior that used to be seen as shameful and private is now not just tolerated but positively flouted.  Ten years ago, a young man or women looking for an outlet for their job cravings would have had to go to a so-called "job fair" in hopes that the combination of fluorescent lighting and the immanence of closing time could allow them to score a job that would sate their urges, or they would go to the career center for material they could take home and "review."  Now they just go on-line, and so many do that some have started to see it as perfectly natural.  Well, it's not.' 
Manchester Von Winkle, 3L, disagrees.  'Wanting a high-paying job with good opportunities is perfectly natural, and there's nothing to be ashamed of in looking for the right position.  We're young, and we have debt loads that make the urge to make big money almost unbearable.  I'd go blind if I wasn't able to surf the Skadden or Cravath web sites.  Besides, what's the harm?  Nobody objects when I download hours of video from www.goat-fondlers.com, but theses sites  which are perfectly legal - are somehow seen as beyond the pale.'
Career Center staff aren't so sure. 'Sure, the union of 3L and employer is a beautiful thing, and perfectly natural' says Finback McWhallop.  'We think of ourselves as matchmakers here.  We're proud of what we do, and yes, sometimes we do use Job Porn to get people's interests up.  But once people have job offers, they really need to lay off.  After all, Job Porn sites aren't really about work  - they're about fantasies.  Sexual pornography is noted for the tasteful way it depicts human love and the emphasis on the reality of the actor's appearances, but these Job Porn sites are all about unreality.  Those compensation packages aren't real- they can't be.  For one thing, look at the salaries those associates are sporting.  If all you did was watch Job Porn you'd think every first year has a $125,000 salary and huge bonuses.  And that's just not the case.  A steady diet of Job Porn can lead to unrealistic expectations about what lawyering is really going to be like, which can cause friction in the employment relationship later - and not the good kind of friction.' 
Saxe-Coburg agrees, and points out that Job Porn is not, as some claim, a 'victimless crime.'  'Getting tasked with $125,000 worth of work isn't the pleasure it seems to be.  Sure, the associates on the Patton, Bloggs web site are smiling, but it's forced fun.  Many of them are actively trying to suppress their gag reflexes while they work, and more than half are burned out in a few years.  They're cast aside, many with expensive clothing addictions and deformed social skills, and left to make their way into government jobs or self-sustaining pottery communes in Vermont.'
Nonetheless, a close examination of the school's Honor Code reveals no specific prohibition on self-gratification through Job Porn, and Beauregard was released into the custody of the Muskrat Chapter of the IP Law Society without further disciplinary action.    In the meantime, computer staff report that an increasing share of the incoming spam they see bears subject lines like 'hard-working a$$ociate$' and 'Barely paralegal.'  Job Porn is clearly here to stay.  Library staff say they're buying more steam cleaners.