Hi!  My name is Cyndi, Cyndi Markowitz.  I'm just so glad to be here today!  I just know we're all going to be great friends, and we'll be able to do some truly amazing things -- look out, world!!
First, a little bit about me.  I've always been a people person and a do-er!  My last job was as Social Director on Disney's Princess Star cruise liner out of Miami.  I met lots of fascinating people there, and I had a great time.  But I needed something to do while the ship undergoes its extensive fumigation process, so my friend Katherine Harris made a few calls, and here I am, Governor of Al Qadisiyah province here in Iraq!  Isn't that great?!!
OK, just to start with, who here has been invaded before?  What?  No, Iran doesn't count if they never made it past the Shat-al-Arab waterway, so,  nobody?  OK, then we're all new at this together!  Great!  Now how many of you like nation-building?  O-Kay!!  I am Soooo excited to be here, learning about a new place, meeting new people -- who knew Iraq had eighteen whole provinces?  Yes, Akim?  No, it's eighteen, I'm pretty sure. 
First things first.  I'm sure some of you are wondering when electrical power will come back on.  I am pleased to announce that, due to some very hard work by the 308th engineer company to repair the damage caused by the 18th tactical fighter wing, we should have power back by tomorrow.  Also, the boys at the 18th tactical fighter wing wanted me to say a big "oops!" and "Sorry" for bombing your power plant a half-hour after the cease-fire.  We all make mistakes, right?  I mean, don't get me started on my last boyfriend, Alan the Liar.  Yes?  No, I am not a prostitute.  In my country, woman can have boyfriends if they want, and that doesn't make them prostitutes, even if their boyfriends treat them like prostitutes, or worse. 
But enough about me!  I want to learn about you!  Let's see a show of hands- who here is a Shiite?  OK!!  And how may are Sunni?  Great!  I see not all of you raised your hands... OK, just raise what you have left then.  You in the back, I'm going to pretend I didn't see that, but trust me, the special forces Gubernatorial guard did.
Now I've got some great activities planned, and I just know we're all going to have a great time.  Tomorrow we'll have rubble-clearing, lining up fort water, and a new game we're calling "minefield shuffleboard."   Later, we'll be playing "Name the Ba'ath Party Operative" and "Who knows the formula for Sarin?"  But first, we're going to Party!!  My crew and I have worked hard to set up a get-together mixer so we can all get to know each other.  The Special Forces will be making up nametags, so be sure to provide them with your names, DNA samples, photos and fingerprints.  That'll be tonight from 9 'till "whenever"!!  here at the palace. 
Speaking of which, we're going to hold a contest to pick the new name of the palace ... no!  no need to shout; we'll be taking suggestions until Friday.  But I have to say, "Whore's Den" and "Home of the Jewish Oppressor" are not going to be on the final ballot.  I've already explained about the whole whore thing.  What?  Well, no, actually, I'm not Jewish.  I'm a Lutheran.  What's that?  It's like an Episcopalian, but with meatloaf!!  ...Meatloaf!  OK, I guess that's more of an American audience joke ... see how Sgt. Francisco is laughing?  What?  He's not laughing?  He's been garroted?  Well, that's not a very nice way to treat your liberators!  What are you going to do when "Up with People" gets here?  Kneecap them?  Really.  I'm this far from declaring a dusk-to-dawn curfew on your unclean hides, so watch it.


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