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|Cool Muskrat Creation Legends from Native American Traditions.|
|The Pope’s medical condition has worsened, and he is running a high fever and has an infection. Although Vatican Officials remain mum, speculation is rife that the Pontiff does not have long to live.
Of course, the Papacy, like the title of “America’s Sexiest Soap Star” is not an office that go unfilled for long. When a Pope passes away, after the funeral, the Cardinals of the Church gather to select a “New Pope,” not to be confused with “New Coke,” although one new Pope, John Paul I, lasted about as long as New Coke did.
Office pools are already being formed.
Herewith, the Muskrat News Guide to possible New Popes:
Pro: Popular with World audiences. Experienced with whole sin and forgiveness thing. Looking for a job.
Con: Not Catholic. Not member of Clergy. Not to be trusted around altar girls.
--Cardinal Ectopic Bilharzia, Primate of the Congo
Pro: Would be first third world Pope (although not the first from Africa – just the first since St. Gelasius I took the throne in 492 AD.) Desperately wants to get out of Congo. Noted for his compassion for gunshot victims, of which Congo has excess supply.
Con: Rumors of diamond smuggling. Speaks French, stirring fears of revival of 16-Century French adventurism on Italian Peninsula among oldest (very, very old) Cardinals.
Pro: Celibate, in sense of never having slept with a woman.
Con: Everything else.
--Bishop Joao Slumgullion of Rio de Janeiro
Pro: Would shore up Church’s position in Latin America, currently being eroded by Protestant Evangelicals. Young and telegenic.
Con: 17 common-law wives, although extremely hot and telegenic, may be an issue.
--Cardinal Salvatore Circalomcutio, Secretary of Scrivening for the Curia.
Pro: Italian. Knows Vatican routines. Amiable. Age (98) ensures short papacy. Favored as ‘consensus’ choice if early ballots deeply divided.
Con: Drools in his porridge. WWII record “missing” from archives.
--Editor, Muskrat News
Con: Instant and irrevocable schism would ensue over "Go Cubs" Encyclical.
Consensus pick: Paul Wolfowitz.
Remember, the part in BOLD is the actual truth-flavored product. The rest is fake.
Previous Lines of the Day
|Viewer reactions to my December 2004 appearance on Jeopardy! (all from www.televisionwithoutpity.com): (My version here)
"Was it just me or did Tom seem strangely confrontational? His looks at Alex were giving off a "you wanna take this outside?" vibe. Odd man."
"Tom acts cold and arrogant and just seems like a big dickweed."
"Tom ... seems more consumed by betting big and looking like a stud than playing a well-managed game. I suspect he'll implode before racking up too many wins."