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We're very fond of
The Bush League Drinking Game,
And our ever-popular
Not to mention, for the kiddies, our most popular feature:
The MISSILE DEFENSE COLORING BOOK
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|Cool Muskrat Creation Legends from Native American Traditions.|
|New Look for Nickel
The obverse design for the 2005 nickels will bear, for the first time in 67 years, a new likeness of America’s third president, Thomas Jefferson. The “Liberty” inscription on the coin is based upon Jefferson’s own handwriting. The design is based on the marble bust of Jefferson by the French sculptor Jean-Antoine Houdon, completed in 1789. The design was made age-appropriate to his presidency by utilizing later paintings by Gilbert Stuart and Rembrandt Peale.
The likeness of Jefferson is also offset from the center and angled slightly, to give the president a more engaging appearance. Officials at the Mint, however, denied that the image had been modernized in an attempt to appeal to younger spenders. “This is not POTUS Jazzy Jeff T,” prevaricated one “Minty,” as officials of the Mint like to be known. “Yes, the position of the likeness has been moved, and yes it is a more dynamic look, but it’s hardly a marketing ploy.” .
Added to the controversy over the redesign of the obverse of the new nickel are twin scandals over the reverse of one design. That design features a sea shore, and the words of Captain Clark on first seeing the Pacific: “Ocean in View! O! The Joy!” Historians mutter that Clark actually wrote “Ocian,” and the Mint has corrected his spelling. Worse, Clark was wrong—he was viewing the Columbia River Estuary, not the Pacific Ocean.
However, the Mint thought the poetry of the phrase was more appropriate than Clark’s words upon viewing the real Pacific for the first time: “Another goddamn estuary, probably. I am so sick of these rivers. Sergeant Smith got brained by a leaping salmon yesterday. We must eradicate these fish somehow. Anyway, Lewis spent all day puking and hallucinating, so either we have reached (and consumed) salt water, or he has secured some more Jimson weed.” Not only would the quote not fit on a coin the size of a nickel, but the profanity was thought to be unsuitable for public coinage. The Mint is still reeling from the disaster of the Strom Thurmond Fifty Cent piece, which featured both the F- and the N-word.
The other version of the nickel will show an American bison, echoing the “buffalo nickels” of 1913-1938, without the politically incorrect Indian head on the obverse. Anxious to avoid the controversies over the other design, this one will bear nothing more than the words “Nature's Vermin” and "Their Slaughter is God's Work."
A late campaign to have the Bison replaced with a Muskrat was voted down 100-0 by the Senate.
Remember, the part in BOLD is the actual truth-flavored product. The rest is fake.
Previous Lines of the Day
|Viewer reactions to my December 2004 appearance on Jeopardy! (all from www.televisionwithoutpity.com): (My version here)
"Was it just me or did Tom seem strangely confrontational? His looks at Alex were giving off a "you wanna take this outside?" vibe. Odd man."
"Tom acts cold and arrogant and just seems like a big dickweed."
"Tom ... seems more consumed by betting big and looking like a stud than playing a well-managed game. I suspect he'll implode before racking up too many wins."