|Bush Tapes Reveal Private Views
"It's me versus the world," he told Mr. Wead. "The good news is, the world is on my side."
Must... not ... laugh... at ....leader ...of.... free.... world....
You want to know why we didn't publish anything for two weeks? Because nothing seemed absurd enough. Sure, there was the usual slurry of pinheaded ideas and cheesy small-town hyposrisy flowing out of the White House drains, but that stuff had become too easy to make fun of.
But with this statement, Mr. Bush has upped the ante.
Bravo, Mr. President. Bravo. This is the Hope diamond of malaprops, the Taj Mahal of Freudian slips. It has a Zen-like opacity that will endear it to generations of undergraduates yet unborn, while effortlessly encoding the cheesy self-pity that tarnishes the reputation and calls into question the intelligence -- nay, the sentience -- of the world's most powerful nation.
Clearly, we are up against the master here. The Henry James of bonehead remarks. The Shakespeare of failed introspection. The Barry Bonds of self-inflicted verbal wounds.
For a satirist, this is the most difficult pitch to hit. It looks like a big, fat, off-speed pitch right down the middle of the plate, yet we have the queasy feeling that if we swing at it, it will piroutte neatly out of the way and into the catcher's mitt for strikes one through three.
No, this is a statement which must be taken back the lab and analysed. Like a pulsing alien molecule recovered from space, this one must be sealed inside hot boxes, handled only with remote manipulator arms, and broken down letter by letter lest it devastate the planet when released into the air. We've all see "The Andromeda Strain."
But we are up to the challenge. Over the weeks ahead, the investigative and neuropharmacological staff here at Muskrat News will be working on this statement in an attempt to find the perfect rejoinder. We are up the task. We are on the case. And time is on our side. Or maybe against us. It's not clear.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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