No Presidential Run in 2008, Cheney Says
Vice President Dick Cheney Says He Will Not Run for President After Bush's Term Ends
The Associated Press
Feb. 6, 2005 - Dick Cheney says he won't be running for anything after finishing his term as vice president, except maybe to the river with his grandchildren.
"I've got my plans laid out," Cheney said Sunday. "I'm going to serve this president for the next four years and then I'm out of here."
"By 2009, I'll be 68 years old," Cheney said. "And I've still got a lot of rivers I'd like to fish and time I'd like to spend with my grandkids, and so this is my last tour."


The affected parties immediately reacted, holding a press conference in which they decried the Vice-president's threats.  "We have done nothing wrong," said a prepared statement from Todd Cheney, age 11, his sister Melanie, age 6, and their cousin, Helena Korsakoff-Cheney, age 10.  "We have complied with all applicable UN resolutions as well as parentally-imposed bedtimes.  If there are any issues left outstanding over vegetable consumptiuon, we are prepared to work with the Europeans on resolving the issue in a peacefl manner.  The use of threats and intimidation by the adminstration is neither helpful nor welcome.  Plus, Grandpa is, like, totally out of it.  He still thinks we watch Barney, which of course we don't because we're way too old for that."

Asked whether it would be possible to negotiate a settlement that allowed for some visitation withour resorting to pouting, Todd spoke for the group when he said "First off, he's creepy.  He's always asking us where we hid the WMD, even though we never had any.  Then he starts rambling on about shooting things - ducks, elk, Pushtun tribesman and asks if we know that caribou cause pollution.  Plus, he reeks of boardroom values."  Melanie, asked for confirmation, would only say "Gampa Scary."

Washington insiders, in the meantime, assert that his expressed desire to inave the children's personal space is nothing more than a cover, and that Cheney's real passion is fishing.  Just as some backwoodsmen are said to fish with dynamite, Cheney is reputed to have his own persoanl technique.  It involves an F-15E Striek Eagle, a dozen 500-lb bombs, and a shovel.

Pope's blessing 'probably recorded'
From correspondents in Vatican City
February 07, 2005
THE words of Pope John Paul II's Angelus blessing today were "probably recorded" after his voice faltered when he started to deliver the traditional blessing from his hospital window, Italian media reported. Journalists suspicions were raised when the pontiff's inaudible words at the beginning of the blessing were quickly followed by silence, clicks, and then a much clearer sounding - though still very hoarse - John Paul completing the blessing.

In other news, betting on papal succession has shifted in recent days, with Madonna overtaking previous favorites Cardinal Albinoni.  Milli Vanilli is still third and fourth.

Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to
Webmaster@muskratnews.com

Remember, Kids, the part in
bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.


Home
                                                                                                    Previous Lines of the Day