February 2, 2005
Pope's disease aggravated by infection
By MARILYNN MARCHIONE - Associated Press

The breathing problems that Pope John Paul II is said to be suffering are not a routine complication of the flu but likely are worsened by the main health problem he suffers — Parkinson’s disease, several doctors say.

“A normal person might get some tightness or constriction in the throat” but would not suffer spasms of the trachea, or windpipe, severe enough to necessitate hospitalization, said Dr. Jaimie Henderson, a Parkinson’s expert at Stanford University School of Medicine.

…A key sign in the coming days, doctors said, will be whether the pope requires a plastic breathing tube down his windpipe to help him breathe. That would require sedation and usually a machine to take over breathing for him until he is strong enough to breathe on his own again.

If the Pope is sedated, under the terms of the Illuminati Operating Procedures, the Vice-Pope takes over his responsibilities, including the keys to the Vatican Nuclear Arsenal, possession of the Vatican Kryptonite Supply, and the authority to issue commands to the 50,000 school lunch ladies who make up the secret Army of Orthodoxy.

In the event the Pope passes away, a series of centuries-old rituals are initiated to ensure an orderly succession and to eliminate all traces of the Pontiff’s extensive alien cybernetic implants.  Right now, the Jesuit Special Operations Corps are said to be scouring the back alleys of Poland, looking for a stocky 84-year old man whose absence would not be noted and whose body could pass muster at a tightly controlled “autopsy.”

The Bush administration, meanwhile, is said to be preparing an insert for the President’s State of the Union message in which Bush acknowledges the Pope and wishes him well.  Although the Pontiff has more or less directly called Bush a warmongering little turd, GOP advisors see great value in associating themselves with a popular and sternly conservative religious leader who is staunchly anti-abortion. 

However, some in the administration still resent the Pope’s emphasis on seeking peaceful means of solving global problems, and are lobbying for the President to call him a “Terrorist apologist” and “member of the Axis of the Willfully ignorant.”  They point out the Pope’s anti-violence messages and insistence on the primacy of human dignity over values such as corporate profits cannot be squared with the Republican agenda. 

The final decision rests with the President.  Having met the Pope on several occasions, Bush is said to have a personal liking for the adjectively if not nominally charismatic Pontiff, to the point of giving him one of the cherished presidential nicknames:  “Peace Boy.”  The Pontiff, for his part, is said to have a nickname for the President which cannot be printed here.

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