Orientation Errata
We here at the office of Student Affairs want to say that we really enjoyed hosting the orientation program for you and hope it was both informative and welcoming.  As you get started on your classes, though, we want to note a few items that need updating. 
--We worked hard to prepare the segments on 'Navigating your career path' and 'The Honor Code.'  However, the scheduling overlap of those two events may have confused some.  Just to be clear:  violations of the Honor Code are NOT "resumé enhancing" as some of you seem to have heard, nor are they "just as cool as a clerkship," no matter what our staff may have said.  It was just after lunch, and we were feeling the effects of the heat. 
--Similarly, the list of honor code violations distributed on Wednesday was incomplete.  The following additional items are also considered violations and can lead to disciplinary action:
     -Rule 5-2. Types of Misconduct
     ...
     m) actions which tend to bring the legal profession into disrepute, including use of profanity or brawling while wearing Muskrat Law logo gear.  Lawyers do not brawl.  They run away like girls and sue later. 
     n) parking violations.
o) complaining about parking.
     p) teasing the catering staff at campus events with "How's that philosophy degree coming?"
     q) teasing the LLM students about their nations' lack of nuclear arms, or in the case of the Russian students, about the low quality, poor fit and finish, and consistently low U.S. News rankings of their nuclear arsenal.
--Nonetheless, the Dean's statement that "if you cross the line, I'll crucify you, and I don't mean metaphorically" should be taken with a grain of salt.  The Dean is notoriously bad at home improvement projects, and could never handle the hardware involved.
--Despite what some of you were told by your 2L and 3L orientation leaders, you are not their "bitches" for your entire 1L year, and you cannot be traded for cigarettes.  Rumors about what happens in the showers and weight rooms are clearly untrue, as the Law School does not have such facilities.
--While we will seek to provide adequate counseling and referral services for those of you troubled by stress, it is not true that the clinic hands out free Valium during finals.  For one thing, we've switched to a Halcion-Thorazine cocktail, and for another, there is a $5 co-payment for each dose.
--We apologize for repeatedly laughing during the Public Interest presentation.
--We acknowledge the fact that not everyone appreciated the BaFa BaFa simulation.  But if we get one more Stipper card in interoffice mail, we're going to hurt someone.
--We also apologize to our distinguished alumni currently in private practice for introducing them as "the leaches that walk like men."  At least one walked like a woman.
--Please note that  Mr. Bunnsy Goes to Court and  The Fischer-Price Pop-up Book of Legal Argumentation have been added to the Research and Writing Curriculum book list, but that's as far as we're willing to go in dumbing the course down for you.  Seriously.  One more complaint about "too many big words" and we'll go apocalyptic on your ass.
--We woud like to thank the Chemistry Department for letting us use their auditorium for the large sessions, but in future please do not bother the chemistry students by repeatedly asking them for Ecstasy.  They have a limited supply and will get us a shipment just as soon as they can .  Harassing them does not help, and increases the possibility of getting a bad batch. 
--Finally, we regret playing the Mojo Nixon song "Don Henly Must Die" (from his classic album Otis) at full, ear-numbing volume during the sign-in session.  We meant to play "Destroy All Lawyers," from the same album.