Muskrat News Legal Briefs

It's a New Year Here at the International House of Lemurs and Shyster Petting Zoo, and the new students ahd a fun and informative thre-day orientation program.  But there were a few things that got missed, so:

We here at the office of Student Affairs (Motto: “Stop snickering. Not those kinds of affairs.”) wanted to follow up on our orientation program with a few notes, updates, and minor corrections.

–We really enjoyed meeting all of you, and hope you have a great three years here. Remember that we’re here to help if you have any problems. Feel free to stop by even just to chat. Just remember that anything we say after Happy Hour starts is probably unreliable. Happy Hour starts at noon in our office. Well, eleven, really. Or earlier, if we’ve had a rough morning. What the Hell. We’re drinking as we write this.  

–Dean Bartlett would like to apologize for her remarks, which were made before she was informed of her reappointment, when she thought she was about to be fired. Specifically, she regrets her description of your class as “a bunch of miserable, grasping peckerwoods.” She does not actually believe that most of you are the products of incestuous relationships, with “the morals of Karl Rove” and “the intellectual skills of a dachsund.” She looks forward to avoiding eye contact with you for the next three years.

–We’d like to thank the women who attended the breakout group on “Alternative work schedules, glass ceilings, and the Mommy Track.” Please be assured that we have taken your names down, and nobody will ever take you seriously again.

–On the other hand, anyone who wants to volunteer for the “Senior Associate/Junior Partner Breeding Program” is invited to apply in our offices. If you pass the swimsuit test, you will be relieved of all exam/paper requirements and guaranteed a job with a large big-city firm. We must note, though, that you will be fired as soon as you get engaged or turn 30, whichever occurs first.

–Did you actually do the “reading” for the Class Simulation on Tuesday? Suckers! Let this be a lesson to you - never prepare. It makes the professors cranky and upsets your fellow students.  

–We want to thank those students who participated in the voluntary LSAC Educational Diversity Project on Wednesday, but we’re pretty sure that afro wigs and shoe polish are not the answer. Good effort, though! 

–We hope you paid attention during the ethics breakout sessions. We note that most leaders blew off the instructions, half-assed the exercise, and allowed you to cheat on or skip it entirely. We’re not allowed to say it out loud, but you should take that as a hint about how big firms handle ethics.

–Two years ago, we introduced Mr. Bunnsy Goes to Court and The Fisher-Price Pop-Up Book of Legal Argumentation into the LAWR curriculum. Nonetheless, we continue to receive complaints that the class is too hard and requires too much work, so the writing requirement has been reduced to a single paragraph, which may be photocopied from any brief you can find online. If this doesn’t work, we’re going to make the entire course True/False next year.  (Hint:  True)

Dispelling Old Rumors

The rumor mill always gears up early in the year, so we feel compelleod to “put the kibosh” on a few of the more inane rumors making the rounds:

–Some 1Ls were apparently told that they were the sexual property of their orientation group leaders for the following year, and could be “traded for a pack of cigarettes.” This is not true. The going price for a reasonably attractive 1L is at least a carton of smokes. 

–The LLMs do not “control” the second-floor restrooms, and cannot legally charge you to use them. Be firm.

–The cleaning staff do NOT hate you already. At least, not all of them. Although you are a thousand times luckier than they ever will be, and face a life of ridiculous privilege... no, wait, now it’s all of them.

–We warned you about staying out of the construction zones, so don’t even try suing us. Besides, we contend 1L Millhouse Grindstone lost that arm, eye and cheekbone as well as those toes BEFORE he matriculated.


–We feel compelled to note that the “Jumping Through Hoops” exercise - particularly the dunk tank part - is over. Anyone found throwing things at members of the staff or dousing Bruce Elvin with water, kerosene, or other liquids will be punished.

–Finally, you may be approached by people pretending to work for a ‘publication’ known as The Devil’s Advocate. Do not be fooled by their stories of woe. Do not feed them or give them money, and remember that it is a violation of the Honor Code to work for them.

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