|Muskrat News Legal Research Reports
As part of a recent legal settlement, Muskrat News has committed to the journalistic equivalent of community service - agreeing to run one item per edition that "serves the community interest." As such, we present a quick rundown on tomorrow's Student Bar Association (SBA) elections. We hope this makes amends for our previous reference to the DBA Board as a "foot-stamping, hissy-fit prone crowd of self-deluding wannabes." But we doubt it.
Q. What is SBA?
A. SBA is seventh-grade student council, twelve years later.
Q. What does it do?
A. It forms committees to debate the merits of forming another committee. It also uses your student activity fees to subsidize public displays of drunken behavior a few times a year (cf. Halloween party). It also, for some weird reason, keeps telling me to go to George's Garage on Thursdays. I think it's lonely.
Q. What about funding student organizations? Maintaining relations with the faculty, administration, The Graduate Student Council, and the rest of the University Community?
A. Yeah, it does that stuff too. When it's sober, which is about once a week.
Q. Who are the current SBA members?
A. Their names may not be written or spoken aloud, but they can be recognized by their cloven hoofs and prominent third eye.
Q. Who runs for SBA office?
A. Candidates self-nominate themselves (sometimes repeatedly, which can lead to blindness...) and submit statements of their positions. In order to save time, I have merged all of this semester's statements into a single composite:
Name: Winslow Worthington von Oboe-Chartreuse
Office sought: Sub-Chair, DBA Constitutional Amendment Drafting Committee
I believe that my androgynous good looks, relentless resume-building, and freakish devotion to self-promotion make me the best possible candidate for this job. I was not only an RA at Haverford, but served as the Secretary-Treasurer of the Haverford Student Government, and was active in the Pennsylvania Congress of Frenetic Strivers for an Angst-Ridden Future. I also served as delegate-at-large to the Student-faculty academic committee at East Woonsocket High, as well as being minutes-minder of the Debate Club.
In junior high, my fearless stand on the piercing issue led to my being named president of the student body for an unprecedented two consecutive terms. In Grade School, I was a Class Representative to the Student Council for grades one, two, and three, and in my fourth year, vice-president of the council. Finally I was Recess Monitor in Mrs. Dinkleman's Kindergarten class, and oberstummbannführer of the Pink Playgroup at Tiny Tots Day Care.
My relentless energy, barely maintained facade of cheerfulness, and ability to function without sleep will all allow me to make a valuable contribution to the Duke Bar Association.
I've never worked a day in my life, but my resume is three pages long. Vote for me.
Q. Well, that's just mean.
A. Your point being?
Q. These people are good-hearted, hard working, and civic-minded. They care about the Law School community and - unlike certain writers for TDA - are willing to work hard to make it a better place.
A. Exactly, which is why they must be stopped at all cost.
Q. You're going to make some of them cry.
A. Nate Hagerman is a big boy and can take care of himself.
Q. I mean Prestwood.
A. Oh, he cries like a baby at the drop of a hat. I can't help him.
Q. So who do you think SHOULD run for SBA?
A. Name: Bel-Shamharoth
Office Sought: Chair, Havoc Committee
My name is Bel-Shamharoth, but I am also known as the Eater of Souls, the Bringer of Destruction, and the Candy Man (only in Finland). I will wreak devastation upon the land, causing the strong to weep and the weak to soil themselves with fear. I will lay waste the crops and animals of the peasants and slay all who oppose me. The lamentations of the victims will ascend to a deaf heaven, for there is no surcease to my reign of terror. When I show myself, the living will envy the dead, and the very stones will cry out for a mercy that will not come. Specifically, I will gnaw the bones of the Moot Court Board, make a stew of the entrails of everyone who has ever served on a journal, and improve the menu at JD's. I will also work with the Dean and the administration on course selection and better ways to suck the life force from 1Ls.
Vote for me, and the suffering will be brief.
A slightly different version of this piece was originally printed in the Law School Paper, here. Warning! The rest of the paper is not as funny as my stuff.
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