Muskrat News is dedicated to a policy of strict accuracy on all of our reporting, as well as accountability to a strict code of behavior for its employees. As such, we would like to apologize for the following errors in our report on last weekend's society wedding in Minnesota:
--Neither the Bride nor the Groom are "Currently wanted on a federal firearms warrant."
--The Bride did not "appear to be dressed in a gown hand-stitched from road kill pelts." That was in fact what she was wearing, and we regret the insinuation that such a design choice was not appropriate, just as we regret having dressed our staff in gorilla suits.
--The fate of the groom's three previous wives does not "continue to baffle the Police." For the record, Sergeant Flipwich of the Hennepin County Major Case Squad reports "We know what happened-we just can't prove it in court."
--The refreshments at the rehearsal dinner were in no way "tainted by the large stockpiles of hidden Iraqi WMD in the couple's basement." There are no WMD at that address, as the 157th CBW detection Company of the Minnesota National Guard determined. Our hats go off to these proud, and non-litigious, guardians of our freedom.
--Also, it was irresponsible of us to describe the sand pile at the rehearsal dinner as "an excellent way to amuse the smaller children in attendance" without noting that, as with any construction site being used as a toddler's playground, all power tools, especially nail guns, should be turned off, and all containers of commercial adhesives - especially those whose fumes have intoxicating or hallucinogenic properties - be properly secured first. The events of the so-called "7:30 massacre" should have made that obvious.
--The beer at the reception did "taste like goat's piss," but only in the sense that it was made by the fine, non-litigious people at Goat's Piss Breweries, of Tomah, Wisconsin, who actually brew a smooth and refreshing Pale Ale, and who we hope appreciate the concept of free publicity.
--The dance music at the reception did not "sound like a wounded donkey making love to an industrial steam press." A quick check of the liner notes reveals that it was, in fact, two donkeys, neither of which was permanently wounded or scarred, and a rhythm track pounded out by a tranquilized marmoset.
--To describe the decoration of the hall as "in hideous taste" did a discredit to the artistic vision of the not completely un-litigious decorator; in retrospect the choice of a series of stark black and white scenes from the Battle of the Somme was highly romantic and - given the behavior of the Bride's estranged parents - almost eerily prescient.
In addition, we note that our staff did not always live up to this newspaper's standards during the course of covering the event:
--It was wrong of our reporter to ask the fourth bridesmaid to "Take off your top" at a family-oriented event such as the reception. It was also, given the nature of her dress, basically redundant. Remember: Muskrat News staff almost never ask female sources to disrobe, and only in emergency situations where immediate and unquestioning compliance is necessary for public safety reasons.
--The editor's repeated shouting of "Freebird!" during the recessional hymn was a simple misunderstanding of the nature of the event, particularly the rule that heavy drinking should not begin until after the vows are said..
--Same for his shouts of "Lies!" and "You'll be sorry" during the vows. He was obviously distraught at his own recent divorce, and we probably shouldn't have sent him to such an event.
In our own defense, we note that we had nothing to do with the police raid on the reception, which was tied to an unrelated Federal investigation into a possible cigarette-smuggling ring run by the flower girls.
We also stand by our reporting of the dancing at the reception as "a demonstration of why White People should not be allowed to drink." The fact that our staff were among those on the dance floor does not change our assessment of the "spastic and deeply un-rhythmic nature" of the efforts.
There. We hope our lawyers are happy.
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