Reality

Muskrat Version

June 30, 1940    ACME Cultural Survey    As part of our business integration, your German conquerors will be   conducting a culture assessment of the recently-acquired France's Leadership. Within   the next few days you will be asked to participate in the survey. As a   valued member of this organization, your opinion is very important to us!    Why should we analyze our cultur

April 2,    2003    ACME Cultural Survey    As part of our business integration, [new    division] will be conducting a culture assessment of the [division]   Leadership. Within the next few days you will be asked to   participate in the survey.  As a valued member of this organization, your   opinion is very important to us!    Why should we analyze our cultur

First   off, it's spelled 'kultur' now.  Zwie, we like to analyze things,  especially things we can count.  We're very good at counting things.

Research   shows that 50% of all Mergers and    Acquisitions fail to increase shareholder value.    Culture clashes, and perhaps more specifically    the inertia that cultural gaps create, are a    direct cause of this failure. Most successful    M&A deals captured 85% of the deal value in the    first year.

Research shows that 50% of all Mergers and Acquisitions fail to increase   shareholder value.  I mean, look at the Yugoslavia fiasco!  Culture clashes, and perhaps more specifically   the inertia that cultural gaps create, are a direct cause of this failure.   We hate inertia.  It implies a lack of willpower.  That is bad.  Most   successful M&A deals captured 85% of the deal value in the first year;   that schedule is important to us, as after that the M&A activity in the USSR borderlands will tend to occupy   our time.  Also, Britain hasn't surrendered yet, and America is looking at us funny.

In order   to truly leverage the potential synergies, efficiencies must be realized   within the first year. We like efficiency.  This must be accomplished   while continuing to satisfy your customers and meeting revenue   expectations.  Just to be clear, We are your customers now.  You must   satisfy us.  And when we say "revenue" we mean "coal and   steel exports to the Reich."  The bigger the culture gap the more   difficult the task will be. The "we do it best so why change"   phenomenon, stemming from an ingrained way of doing things, reduces the   chances of value being captured.  Also, we believe it has been invalidated by   your stunning defeat on the battlefie

In order   to truly leverage the    potential synergies, efficiencies must be    realized within the first year.  This must be    accomplished while continuing to satisfy your    customers and meeting revenue expectations.  The    bigger the culture gap the more difficult the    task will be.  The "we do it best so why change"    phenomenon, stemming from an ingrained way of    doing things, reduces the chances of value being    captured.    The survey data will be used to objectively    analyze the various organizational cultures    within [new division] to:    -identify synergies and gaps between the   companies    -identify ideal/future target cultures, and    -evaluate individual personal preferences.

The   survey data will be used to objectively analyze the various organizational   cultures   within France to:    -identify synergies and gaps between the companies

-    wine v. beer

-   winning wars  v. losing them

-   common anti-semitism    -identify ideal/future target cultures,

-  find out why you like that smelly cheese, and -evaluate individual personal preferences (i.e., would you   like to join the resistance?).    What's Next?    Software by Baton-Soft Inc. will be used to conduct the survey. On   April 7, at three O'Clock in the morning, we will email   you the Web-based survey and instructions. It will take approximately   15-20 minutes to complete.  Please be thoughtful and candid about   it. We have a name for people who are not candid; we call them   "deportees."

What's   Next?    Software by ______ Inc. will be used to conduct    the survey.   On April 7, ______ at _______ Inc.    will email you the Web-based survey and    instructions. It will take approximately 15-20    minutes to complete.; Please be thoughtful and    candid about it.

Keep in   mind that some of the    benefits of an effective cultural integration    are:    -reduce employee turnover    -protect and extend market value of the company    -leverage the real synergies (knowledge and    people)    -capture the most value in the shortest    timeframe    -significantly reduce downstream challenge

Keep in mind   that some of the benefits of an effective cultural integration    are:    -reduce employee turnover.  We have the darndest time   holding on to good scientists, especially.  Anyway, mass deportations take up   too much rolling stock to be efficient.    -protect and extend market value of the company to East   (Lebensraum)    -leverage the real synergies (knowledge and people)  all   it takes is one good informant and we can leverage hundreds of neighbors,   collaborators, etc.    -capture the most value in the shortest timeframe    -significantly reduce downstream challenges, such as that   pesky American industrial base

Your   input along with that of other company    management will be used to analyze our    organizational culture and define a cultural    transformation strategy to assist us in meeting    our corporate objectives.    Thank you for your time.

Your   input along with that of other company management will be used to analyze our   organizational culture and define a cultural transformation strategy to   assist us in meeting our corporate objectives.    Thank you for your time.